Patrick Sherwin
Ms Bull
English 111
31 August 2002

Mother

Is there anything more tragic than an unloved child?  Most unloved children would say yes.  Why do some parents not love their children?  I am not sure, but in my case, I think it started before I was even born.  My mother and father were dating in Pennsylvania, where I was later born.  He moved to Washington DC to work, and they continued dating in a long-distance relationship; he would go back to Pennsylvania to see her on weekends.  When she told him that she was pregnant with me, he apparently was not very pleased about it, because they stopped seeing each other, and (if I can believe my mother) he married a woman in Washington DC a week later.  During my early childhood, my mother and grandmother raised me in rural Pennsylvania, in what I thought at the time was a perfectly normal world.  My “perfectly normal world” was turned upside-down when my mother married my stepfather.

            Soon after they married, I started first grade.  I was a good student at first, and entered the gifted and talented education program when I was in fifth and sixth grade.  I did fairly well in junior high, but things changed in high school.  I remember previously being told by my mother that I “was a quitter”, so I guess I took that to heart.  In high school, I excelled in subjects that I enjoyed (math and computers) and did poorly in subjects that I disliked (Spanish and English).  I do not remember a single instance of receiving any encouragement or guidance towards doing well in school.  It was in high school that I found my parents insurance policy, which listed my half-sisters as beneficiaries, but made no mention of me.  This was a major blow to me and verified suspicions that I had begun having.  It was around this time that I took the ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) test to get out of a few classes.  My high score on the test gave my mother the perfect way of getting me out of her life.

            I signed up to join the Navy the summer between my junior and senior years.  My mother convinced me that I would never be able to get into any college ever, and that this was the only thing I could do with my life.  Of course, when I look back I realize I had many options at the time, but she managed to get me to do what she wanted.  After being in the Navy about 8 years, I found out that I might be discharged for a medical condition.  I did not want to discuss the condition with my mother, but I decided to start preparing for my impending civilian life.  I told my mother that I might be getting discharged, and asked if I could stay with her temporarily until I got back on my feet.  She of course said no.  Her excuse was that there was not even room for me.  I find it funny that it was ok for me to sleep on the couch when I was in high school, but not when I was an adult.

            I was not discharged from the Navy then; I actually stayed in about five more years, and left knowing that I could not rely on my mother for any support.  I went to see my mother for the last time shortly after I got out.  I stayed with her for a month and realized that we did not really have much of a relationship at all.  We actually never really had one.  Seeing my mother shortly after getting out of the Navy gave me the encouragement to move on with my life.  Finally, encouragement after all these years, and she did not even know she did it.  I was ready to be on my own completely.  She moved a few months after I was there, and I moved a few months after that.  We have not had any contact since.  People often ask me if I miss my mother, but I never really felt like I had one.  Mothers are supposed to love and nurture their children, not berate them and make them feel worthless.  Her actions continue to haunt me to this day, and I hope that I can eventually get past them, and move on further with my life.