Kinda funny how the older a person gets the more he longs for the past.  Case in point…I downloaded some albums from Emusic tonight and the one I’m listening to has an Orbital track…one I’m not sure I’ve heard before, but it has that Orbital sound….and dammit, I want to talk about it…I long to chat with somebody about those early 90’s heyday’s of the raves…of course I wasn’t going to raves then, just listening to cassettes in my car and dancing to “techno” at the fag bars on weekends, but it’s almost like I was there…almost. 

Not sure why that particular time is nostalgic for me.  The early 90’s were hell for me.  I was in the Navy, not quite fitting in.  Oh hell…I didn’t belong at all.  But I was HIV+, and military care was a godsend in those days.  Funny how I can look back and be thankful for AZT and the monthly stomach flu it gave me.  Thank you Mr Toxic Drug…May I have another?  No wonder fags in the Double 00’s slam meth regularly.  At least they get high from that. 

Have I always been this cynical?  OH DAMN….New Order…Evil Dust…more classic sounds…but this reminds me of high school….ah yes, more hell.  I fucking HATED high school…so many rich kids and their cliques..and me hanging out with the meth addicted dykes.  Although it was “just crystal” then.  As simple as smoking a Marlboro before class, which often was the case, in the park right across the street.  Kinda funny…I was just as depressed as all those damn goth dykes, but I felt no urge to do crystal with them.  I still wonder why.  I actually was more concerned about smoking.  After all, you could do that anywhere and look cool.  It didn’t look cool when you were doing a line of crystal at the Jack in the Box counter.  But I never looked cool…my lungs just couldn’t handle it. 

OH FUCK…Skinny Puppy…..Rewind….hell fuckin yeah…I love Skinny Puppy….they’re my favorite band of all time.  I remember hearing about them in high school, but I didn’t get into them until after I joined the Navy.  You gotta love a band that has fierce beats and talks about fucked up shit.  I still remember seeing them at the Filmore in San Francisco with my best friend from high school, one of the aforementioned methheads.  I was stationed at Alameda and she lived in the City.  How perfect for a fag coming out of the closet.  We shared a fifth of vodka before the show.   Big mistake in hindsite.  I had no clue how grotesque Skinny Puppy’s shows were.  How did someone with such a weak stomach like a band with a  flair for the grotesque?  Just another one of “God’s” many funny moments.  Anyway…I remember the opening band sucked and we actually booed them.  But of course, Karma is everywhere, especially when you least expect it.  The show ended up being a harsh lesson in vivisection and humanity, with insane quantities of fake blood (which in my drunken state could be real blood) thrown in for extra credit.  I ended up going to the lobby for half the show before I tossed my cookies, and my friend lost some bracelets that meant a lot to her.  I really didn’t give a shit about her bracelets, but I acted like I did….I was already learning at the age of 19 what matters. 

And now it’s just another song…another song that has no memories….just like the thousands of faces I’ve looked at over the years.  Why can’t I appreciate people?  Why am I so cold?  Fuck….I sound like a damn song now.  Back off Aaron Lewis, you ain’t got shit on me.  I can break your bad boy mold so fast you wished you had never even written any songs.  Fuck that….I’m gonna sue your ass, Aaron….after I fuck you of course.  I bet your childhood was grand.  You only heard about fucked up fathers from those of us who lived real lives. 

OH YEAH…great song…..KMFDM…Don’t Blow Your Top.  I’ve got a great KMFDM story, but you’ve all heard it already.  HA HA HA…damn I’m a funny bitch.  Wow…this song actually has some serious beats….I forgot how good they used to be, before they went pop.  But isn’t that what we all want?  To go pop?  That’s why most teens, and adults for that matter, are depressed…they want to go pop…they want to be liked.  We all made fun of Sally Field for saying “You like me…you really like me”…but I bet that bitch has an enormous orgasm when that happened…a bigger one than you could give her in “real life”